Xjyuk

I met someone at a party last weekend through our mutual friends. We got along pretty well and realized we had some common interests. We discussed a lot until I was called by a friend to help with the barbecue and when I came back, they'd left (they were not feeling well because of a combination of tiredness and too much drinking).

I really liked talking to them and they told me the feeling was mutual. I'd like to see whether we could become friends. The thing is, I don't know how to tell them I'd like to either chat online or meet - in order to see if we could become friends - without letting them think I'm romantically interested in them. They know I'm married but I didn't have the chance to see whether they were bothered by it because I told them shortly before I left to help my friend. We talked about meeting again for coffee but that was before they knew about my spouse so I don't know whether that was supposed to be a date.

I'd like to befriend them but I don't want them to think something romantic could happen between us. I don't have their number but we're friends on social media. They haven't talked to me online since the party, except when I asked them whether they were feeling okay after leaving because of illness.

How could I tell them that I'd like to keep talking to them and see if we can become friends without letting them think I'm romantically interested in them?

Additional info:

• I've had trouble in the past where I tried to befriend someone who then thought I wanted to date them. I'm autistic and my way of expressing interest in getting to know someone is sometimes likely to be confused with romantic interest.


• If it's not possible to convey my interest in a friendship without seeming romantically interested, then I'd rather not contact them again.


• They told me they're single when we were discussing.

If you want to meet with someone but don't want them to think you are considering romance, invite them and their partner (if any) to get together with you and your partner / spouse. That makes it clear that nothing is "under the table" or hidden, you are interested in a social encounter rather than a romantic encounter.

This advice is based on personal experience. For example, when I invited a female classmate that I knew casually out to grab some food, she invited her partner along with us. Made everything clear and aboveboard in a friendly and natural manner.

Be explicit

I've had this problem a few times, and my choice was always to make it completely explicit. By this I mean stating "I have a partner and nothing romantic is on the table". Of course, don't say this in an accusatory tone, just as matter-of-factly as you can.

It is possible that this may make certain people lose interest in trying to befriend you. I believe as long as you don't make a big deal out of this, the only people who would feel alienated are those that would just pursue a friendship as a means to reach a romantic relationship, which is something that you wouldn't want anyways in this situation. A phrasing I've employed in the past (on which I got no negative feedback) would translate as:

Hey, X, I've really enjoyed talking with you, and would like to treat you to coffee and get to know each other better. Just to avoid misunderstandings, I have a partner and no interest in other romantic relationships.

While some people I've said this to have seemed surprised at the abruptness, none seem to have felt alienated, and no misunderstandings have appeared down the line. Just avoid repeating it unless necessary, since after the first time insistence could be interpreted as aggressive or self-affirming.

Is meeting them in a group something that you'd be interested in?

Meeting someone as part of a group with a common interest is a way to focus on those shared interests, and not meeting them alone would help reduce any tension or expectations (though not eliminate them completely).

Meetings not explicitly focused on a common interest but with people from a common background could be fine as well. For example, if you're meeting with some colleagues and this person works in the same industry, they already have something to talk about with the rest of the group, and a way to integrate with them.

Ultimately this doesn't eliminate all thoughts about a romantic interest, but it could be a way to start building a relationship with this person until you feel comfortable enough to deal with this subject directly. Also, once you've told them you only want them as a friend, this (or emphasis on this) can help reaffirm that notion without becoming insistent (I agree with LordHieros that insistence could be negatively interpreted)